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After Divorce: 8 Tips for Reinventing Yourself




After Divorce: 8 Tips for Reinventing Yourself





It’s over. You’ve signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved.

Everyone’s divorce story is different. Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so. Maybe you have children, maybe you don’t. Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner’s, or maybe you both agreed that separation was best. Maybe you’re relieved, maybe you’re heartbroken — or a bit of both.




Decoding Men’s Oddball Love Signals

By Ty Wenger
Fifteen years ago, I found myself in a romantic pickle: Cheryl, a woman I
had been dating for about three months, was nearing her 25th birthday. The
birthday gift in any three-month-old relationship is a dicey one, and I
deliberated over it for weeks. Too big too soon and it could look like I was
trying too hard. Too little and I might appear indifferent. Too romantic and
I’d run the risk of setting the bar too high.
And so it was with great enthusiasm that I finally unveiled…


Read the Decoding Men’s Oddball Love Signals article > >



But however you got here, the question now is where do you go from here? And how do you figure out who you are and what you want as a newly single person? What is your new life going to look like, and how do you start moving in that direction?

Here are eight of the first steps:

1. Let yourself mourn.

Nobody gets married thinking, “I sure hope we can get divorced someday!” Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss.

“Whatever your marriage and divorce experience has been, there will be emotions that have to do with grief,” says psychotherapist Florence Falk, PhD, MSW, author of On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.

“You may feel remorse for what you did or didn’t do, or wonder what you did wrong. Don’t dwell on those feelings, but make room for them,” Falk says. “Loss is loss. There is an empty space where something once filled it up, even if that something may not have been desirable.”

2. Work through your feelings.

Don’t tote that heavy baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the demise of your marriage, advises psychologist Robert Alberti, PhD, co-author of Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.

That may mean talking out your feelings with a therapist or focusing your energy in a healthy activity you enjoy. “It’s common to sweep these emotions under the table, but you have to work through them or they’ll pollute your life going forward,” Alberti says.

If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy, you might want to keep in mind that therapy doesn’t mean you have a problem or that you’re in crisis. It can be a way to work toward a better life, with someone who has no agenda but YOU.

3. Learn to like yourself.

That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce.

“You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn’t make this relationship work,” Alberti says. “You have to work on getting confidence and faith in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth.”

This is also something you could pursue in therapy, or through Tip No. 4:



Robert downey jr ally and larry | Men and Women Relationship

Ally is walking home when she remember when larry and her good times together and bad time together when they were dating so she really thinking if she should be back with larry after larry did some stuff to get her mad at him like leaving her for awhile without calling her then he just show up at her appartment and stuff like where he would be with him ex wife and his ex girlfriend which mean her mad at larry so ally just want to think if she rather be with larry
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All the Single Men: Advice on Attending Weddings This Season …

DeAnna Lorraine talks to Justin Cascio about the emotional experience of attending a wedding, and how single men can make the most of it.

It’s a beautiful spring day, and DeAnna Lorraine wants to talk about weddings. Ms. Lorraine, who also goes by “Ms. Hitch” and “THEE Dating Coach,” teaches couples how to put the spark back in their relationships, and helps singles find their ultimate relationship. Her particular strength is in helping shy and introverted men develop greater confidence and assertiveness with women, teaching them the dating and attraction skills that will allow them to pursue the women they desire.

Ever since starting her date coaching business in the San Diego area six years ago, Lorraine has had more single male clients than female clients. Her impression is that the number of men seeking marriage and relationships seems to be increasing, while the number of women seeking marriage seems to be shrinking, and that those who come to her for help are older.

In what ways are the single women different from the men you help?

They’re getting way into their thirties, still want to be working toward milestones in their careers. Women are in their late thirties, early forties when they pop into my office and say, ‘Hey, I just realized I don’t have a man. I need to start looking for one.’

Women are cast as the emotionally vulnerable ones at weddings, but men, because of the way they pride themselves on their tough exteriors, this actually makes them more vulnerable. We all want love and marriage. It’s just that men haven’t been brought up to talk about these things, and aren’t in the habit of processing these kinds of feelings the way women are.

When it comes to dating and relationships, what makes single men most anxious?

The feeling that, most of their life, men don’t have as strong an urge to marry as women. Not all the time, but especially nowadays, it’s more common for men to be suddenly faced with this feeling of urgency: the clock is ticking. Women’s clocks have already been ticking, but now men feel they need to hurry.

What is the source of that urgency?

The wedding is what triggers it. Looking at two people in love. Being confronted with the feeling, and having to deal with it.

What do weddings remind single men of, that they are missing?

LOVE. Beyond just sex, beyond hooking up and having casual relationships and multiple women, it’s one person, a miracle union. A partnership that goes deeper than just sex. Most guys can go to a bar at night and find a woman to have sex with. But deeper companionship, deeper connection that a wedding throws in their face that they don’t have. Because they have to sit through the wedding, they have to deal with the emotions that come up. They’re forced to sit still, not leave or distract themselves. They can’t change the channel or console themselves with a woman. They didn’t even bring anyone to the wedding.

♦◊♦

DeAnna Lorraine’s work as a dating and relationship coach takes her all over the world. She’s leading three-day intensive attraction seminars for men this summer in San Diego, which train participants on the long-term coaching process she uses with her clients. In her seminar, she takes the men with her out on the town and teaches them exactly how to meet and attract women. “By the end of the weekend they are transformed,” Lorraine says. Her new book for men is The Science of Being Sexy, in which she promises to break down the process of unlocking a man’s natural potential to attract.

On the day that I interview Ms. Lorraine, she plans to take one of her male clients to a strip club. “Speaking of men who are shy, this is an example of a kind of ‘field session’ that I sometimes do with them,” Lorraine says. We’re on the phone, very early on the West Coast where she is calling me from. Looking out my office window, I see a warm spring day. Everything is in bloom, the birds are singing, and the idea of a windowless room full of loud music and sexual tension doesn’t strike me as romantic at all. Lorraine assures me that it is extremely important. “Sitting on a couch or holding hands… that seems pretty normal to most guys, who are used to it, but a man in his thirties or forties who has been very shy all his life often doesn’t have any experience with that. I do things to help them to feel more comfortable and natural around women. They have breakthroughs that allow them to finally connect and get close to women.”

Lorraine also has some female assistants who will sometimes come to her office and assist her in some ‘Attraction Training’ with her clients, including practicing having conversations with them, flirting, and touching. These are “definitely things that most men take for granted,” says Lorraine. “But for a man who has not experienced that yet, it’s a big deal.”

The women who work in the gentlemen’s clubs where Lorraine takes her clients have conversations with the men, hold their hands, and may even give them lap dances. All the while, their coach, is nearby, often in the same room, assessing them and giving feedback afterwards. “Guys who are very introverted or inexperienced are typically so uncomfortable with a woman being so close to them. They often need experience with being up close and personal.”

“It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it!” she says, with a giggle.

In her videos online, Lorraine advises men to be assertive and take opportunities, such as a woman’s hand on your arm, as an invitation to get closer. She tells men to be flirtatious and integrate playfulness and light sexual innuendo early in a conversation, in order to put the image in a woman’s mind of them as a potential romantic or sexual partner.

What do you think of the pick-up artist community?

Obviously, a lot of these strategies and tactics may be similar, since we’re talking about dating and attracting women. When you develop these skills you’re free to do with them whatever you want, for a hook up or for a relationship, but these tactics are much more manipulative to women. ‘A little bit sleazy’ is the best way to describe it.

A lot of the points are the same because you’re dating attractive women, but I’m more interested in working with men who are looking for long term relationships. The skills I teach are more real and will get you much more authentic and lasting connection, whereas the PUA communities, if you haven’t developed the confidence it might work for one night but women will see through it eventually, so it won’t work for the long term.

What would you like men to know, going into this wedding season? Any tips for attendees and groomsmen who are looking for love?

There’s a feeling in the air at weddings. Women will be open to it, too. Take advantage of it.

Weddings are a fabulous opportunity to meet people. Don’t just scrounge up a date when there’s so many single women at the wedding. Make an effort to make a connection.

This is an opportunity to start a new chapter of your life. Look for relationship potential instead of just hooking up or ignoring the emotions in your life.

Are you in a long term relationship?

Yes, I am.

Are you married?

Almost.

What is your position on marriage equality?

Same-sex marriage?

Yes, gay and lesbian marriage.

If two people are really happy together, I don’t see the point in forcing them to do something they don’t really want. I’m neutral toward it. I certainly don’t think we shouldn’t have it. What business is it of mine, if it’s a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a man and a dog? What is the point of having them force to be married to someone they don’t want or to not get married? It brings a lot of commitment and strength to people to get married. We shouldn’t take it away. It’s not any of my business.

Since you mentioned it, what is your position on marriage between a man and a dog?

I am kidding on marriage between man and a dog. It’s not my business who makes who happy. No, I don’t support marriage between a man and a dog. It’s about two people and what’s happening in their life. If they would choose more of a normal life I’m pretty sure they would. I’m sure they’ve already confronted these feelings in the life. I don’t think punishing them is the answer.

—Photo Tobyotter/Flickr


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Things not understood by the man in the mirror! | lovers-blog

The woman wants to be ambiguous in that they succeed one hundred percent,but man it can seem obscure, http://www.iraq-here.com/gallery/files/image/hot%20love%20(2).jpgbut they soon discover this mystery and expose his positions.
This is what touched him the Brazilian psychological analyst Rosanna Santos Silva, in her study, which confirmed that the man can not understand many things about women, can not find an explanation. It continued: The man can not understand nine things specifically for womens head!
What is it?

First, they say that all men are alike but they are married.
Most women say that all men are alike in terms of the betrayal of women and lack of respect and trying to control her actions, but they know that despite seeking behind the marriage even if you do not trust the one that will be linked by the man who saved her husband, or will be perfect. This is a mystery for men. How can we not trust the men and women, and at the same time seeking to marry him, and build a relationship with him?

Second, seek the advice of single women did not Aejrebn marriage.
This is a fact. There is a lot of married women who seek and take advice from behind the friends did not marry or engage in a man at all. wilson tennis rackets . belle shoes . There are many examples of this in society, and men can not and somehow understand that. It is mysterious to him.

Third, using make-up
Even though they are beautiful!
Opinion of the analyst psychological Brazilian Rosanna Santos Silva, the man stands bewildered at times, thinking about why these women are beautiful or that make-up, despite its natural beauty breathtaking. No man can understand what drives a beautiful woman to do so; because he does not realize that the majority of women are dissatisfied with themselves no matter how beautiful, Be, and believe that change the make-up the image that they see themselves in front of the mirror.

Fourth, they want to pregnancy and childbearing, despite all the pain!
Womans pregnancy and giving birth is still a mystery for men. He thought how, after all the suffering resulting from these physiological status, women love to be a mother, and newborn care, as if nothing had happened. Man can not realize the power of maternal instinct when the female, and takes the topic in terms of organic and physical. V.e.h women to become a mother is able to overcome all the physical pain. This fact stands in front of bewildered.

Fifth: write better
Of men!
Proved that the imagination of women is greater than men, although not to show it publicly, but it is unclear when women deliberately to write. Valawataf her emotion, and attention to detail is the talent makes them express themselves better than men, who cares about public matters without meticulous attention to detail. Anaheim Convention Center . Therefore, there are writers outperformed men in the description of positions, especially if the topic you write about has to do with emotions of humanity.
Sixth, demanding equality and want to be treated differently
It is known that women are demanding equality between the sexes or between human beings in general, but when it comes to treatment, they want to be treated in particular in terms of their self and respect for their femininity significantly.

Seventh: Women look nice
In front of others, but quarreling
At home with her husband can not men understand that women like to admired by everyone, which is why this looks nice with people, but they quarrel in the house with her husband, that refused to go with her to the shopping, for example, or if you forgot to buy a house need to be requested.

Eighth, do not pay taxi fare if the wife was accompanied by her husband
This also baffles the man who says why women do not like paying for anything, if accompanied by her husband, despite the possession of the money to pay? And also as long as the man asks the woman why not demanding equal pay, forgetting that women want to improve the protection of man in all things.

Ninth: they want a permanent
Praise of the man they
On the other hand this is not understood by man. Why do women always want to praise them? The answer is that women feel femininity when you receive the praise of it, a fact existed since time immemorial. Women get married, you want to hear all the time praise of men, otherwise they will think that love is over, and this means the end for her side of the most



Ask Relationship Experts: My boyfriend doesn’t trust me | Advice …

advice.lovedetour.com Ask Relationship Experts: My boyfriend doesnt trust me askourexperts2 imageMary Asked:

“My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. He doesn’t trust women. He doesn’t like me talking to friends of mine that I’ve known for over 10yrs plus. He’s very jealous and says it’s because he loves me but I told him it’s not love it’s insecurity which he agrees with. He said he’s scared that another man will take me away from him. He told me how he grew up which wasn’t very nuturing and that he was raped by his teacher for about 1yr when he was 10. His ex girlfriend cheated on him while she was living with him and his ex wife used him. He is constantly accusing me of cheating which I’m not. He thinks every man wants me which they don’t. I grew up with a very open mind to people and life I too was molested as a child. I was once cheated on but as my mom said one monkey don’t stop no show. I had a controlling ex husband but got out of that marriage quickly. I’ve tried to be very supportive to my boyfriend, told him how much I love him, that I would never cheat on him. He does have double standards which I’ve told him about. He has a very good heart but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship given our ages I’m ready to get married again. He’s very suspicious of when my phone rings and I don’t answer it. I have nothing to hide.”

– Mary (50, Atlanta , GA)

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The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage : disciplesgurnee.org

By Meg Jay
AT 32, one of my clients (I’ll call her Jennifer) had a lavish wine-country  wedding. By then, Jennifer and her boyfriend had lived together for more than  four years. The event was attended by the couple’s friends, families and two  dogs.
When Jennifer started therapy with me less than a year later, she  was looking for a divorce lawyer. “I spent more time planning my wedding than I  spent happily married,” she sobbed. Most disheartening to Jennifer was that  she’d tried to do everything right. “My parents got married young so, of  course, they got divorced. We lived together! How did this happen?”

                           Cohabitation in the United States has increased by  more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000  unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The  majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least  once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This  shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth  control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting  appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about  something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis.
In a nationwide survey  conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at  the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the  statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together  with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About  two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good  way to avoid divorce.

But that belief is contradicted by experience.  Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an  otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes  are called the cohabitation effect.

Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or  the idea that cohabitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more  open to divorce. As cohabitation has become a norm, however, studies have shown  that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like  religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the  risks may lie in cohabitation itself.
As Jennifer and I worked to answer  her question, “How did this happen?” we talked about how she and her boyfriend  went from dating to cohabiting. Her response was consistent with studies  reporting that most couples say it “just happened.”
“We were sleeping  over at each other’s places all the time,” she said. “We liked to be together,  so it was cheaper and more convenient. It was a quick decision but if it  didn’t work out there was a quick exit.”
She was talking about what  researchers call “sliding, not deciding.” Moving from dating to sleeping over to  sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by  rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation. Couples bypass talking  about why they want to live together and what it will mean.
WHEN  researchers ask cohabitors these questions, partners often have different,  unspoken — even unconscious — agendas. Women are more likely to view  cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a  way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is  associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after  the relationship progresses to marriage. One thing men and women do agree on,  however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are  for a spouse.
Sliding into cohabitation wouldn’t be a problem if  sliding out were as easy. But it isn’t. Too often, young adults enter into  what they imagine will be low-cost, low-risk living situations only to find  themselves unable to get out months, even years, later. It’s like signing up  for a credit card with 0 percent interest. At the end of 12 months when the  interest goes up to 23 percent you feel stuck because your balance is too high  to pay off. In fact, cohabitation can be exactly like that. In behavioral  economics, it’s called consumer lock-in.

Lock-in is the decreased likelihood to search for, or change to, another option once an investment in something has been made. The greater the setup costs, the less likely we are to move to another, even better, situation, especially when faced with switching costs, or the time, money and effort it requires to make a change.
Cohabitation is loaded with setup and switching costs. Living together can be fun and economical, and the setup costs are subtly woven in. After years of living among roommates’ junky old stuff, couples happily split the rent on a nice one-bedroom apartment. They share wireless and pets and enjoy shopping for new furniture together. Later, these setup and switching costs have an impact on how likely they are to leave.
Jennifer said she never really felt that her boyfriend was committed to her.  “I felt like I was on this multiyear, never-ending audition to be his wife,” she said. “We had all this furniture. We had our dogs and all the same friends. It just made it really, really difficult to break up. Then it was like we got married because we were living together once we got into our 30s.”
I’ve had other clients who also wish they hadn’t sunk years of their 20s into relationships that would have lasted only months had they not been living together. Others want to feel committed to their partners, yet they are confused about whether they have consciously chosen their mates. Founding relationships on convenience or ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. A life built on top of “maybe you’ll do” simply may not feel as dedicated as a life built on top of the “we do” of commitment or marriage.
The unfavorable connection between cohabitation and divorce does seem to be lessening, however, according to a report released last month by the Department of Health and Human Services. More good news is that a 2010 survey by the Pew Research Center found that nearly two-thirds of Americans saw cohabitation as a step toward marriage.
This shared and serious view of cohabitation may go a long way toward further attenuating the cohabitation effect because the most recent research suggests that serial cohabitators, couples with differing levels of commitment and those who use cohabitation as a test are most at risk for poor relationship quality and eventual relationship dissolution.
Cohabitation is here to stay, and there are things young adults can do to protect their relationships from the cohabitation effect. It’s important to discuss each person’s motivation and commitment level beforehand and, even better, to view cohabitation as an intentional step toward, rather than a convenient test for, marriage or partnership.
It also makes sense to anticipate and regularly evaluate constraints that may keep you from leaving.
I am not for or against living together, but I am for young adults knowing that, far from safeguarding against divorce and unhappiness, moving in with someone can increase your chances of making a mistake — or of spending too much time on a mistake. A mentor of mine used to say, “The best time to work on someone’s marriage is before he or she has one,” and in our era, that may mean before cohabitation.

Meg Jay is a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia and author of “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter — and How to Make the Most of Them Now.”
Read more at Growthtrac The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage, Christian Marriage Articles – Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/cohabiting-before-marriage_2.php#ixzz1ssDPwRW1

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Washington Watch: What Do People Really Want When It Comes To …

MR. MARTIN: Welcome back.

The movie Think Like a Man, Steve Harveys movie based on his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, has single men and women buzzing, even married folks. Of course, Kevin Hart stars in the film with a cast of some of the top folks.

So, the real question is, What do people really want when it comes to relationships? Men dont understand women, according to women. Women dont understand men, according to men; and nobody seems to get along.

Well, we decided the tr- get get the sexes together to see if we can help things out a bit. Joining me now is Free from WPGC.FM Radio in Washington, D.C.; Janks Morton, producer of the documentary What Black Men Think; Krissah Thompson, national staff writer for The Washington Post; and relationship coach Ayize Maat.

Folks, welcome to Washington Watch.

Its very interesting. A lot of people are saying, Oh, the book I like it, I dont like it, but really, look. The movies a a romantic comedy, but it does deal with this whole issue of how folks look at relationships and how we seem to get along. And so I want to play this clip first off, of Regina Hall. She plays the cara- the character Candice. So, just check out some of the advice she tries to give Taraji P. Henson, who plays the character Lauren.

[FILM CLIP.]

LAUREN: Why should I have to lower my standards to get a man? Who does that?

CANDACE: Im sorry. Now, what man?

LAUREN: I just want my equal. Okay? Or, at least an attractive, cultured man whos over six feet tall, makes six figures and isnt intimidated by my success.

CANDACE: Okay. Here we go. [Picks up Steve Harveys book.] Lets do a little research here. Ah! This is you!

LAUREN: Please! I dont

CANDACE: Strong, independent and lonely women.

LAUREN: I dont need some bald-headed man on a book telling me that I am strong and independent. Honey, thats [snaps her fingers] a given.

CANDACE: But you forgot lonely.

LAUREN: You are a

CANDACE: Im just sayin. All this waitin for better its makin you bitter.

[END OF FILM CLIP.]

MR. MARTIN: This whole idea of waiting for perfection Krissah, in your reporting, you know, in The Washington Post, this issue of relationships, married, dating, it came up in in those in the series.

MS. KRISSAH THOMPSON: It did. We did a huge poll with the Kaiser Family Foundation and found that, for Black women, this question of marriage versus career does come up. Black women see themselves as independent. They have very high self-esteem, and 7 out of 10 nearly 7 out of 10 say being successful in their career is very important. You ask them about marriage How important is marriage? only 4 out of 10 see say being married is very important. So, those two things do kind of have some tension there.

MR. MARTIN: Whats the deal with this again, this desire for perfection, which is an act- absolute joke

[LAUGHTER FROM THE WOMEN ON THE PANEL.]

MR. MARTIN: because youre not going to find the perfect man. Youre not going to find the perfect woman.

FREE: No, I think theyre not looking for perfection, but something you could tolerate at least

OFF-CAMERA MAN: Ugh!

FREE: cause its a little crazy out here.

[CHUCKLING.]

MR. MARTIN: [Laughs.]

FREE: Lets be real. Lets be real. I meet so many men who say, Why are you single? and I look at them and say, Why are you married and here hitting on me?

MR. MARTIN: [Chuckles.]

OFF-CAMERA MAN: Whoo!

FREE: So, you know, it goes both ways. It really does.

MR. MARTIN: What ab- first of all, you shook your head when she said tolerate.

MR. JANKS MORTON: Yeah. Well, the- theres this whole concept around, like especially the [premise] of the book that Black men are this less than theyre not equal to po- component of relationships, which I just take great pause and hesitation with. And and when we talk about being single single is a choice just like marriage is a choice, and I think most people, when they are gravitating to these tine [sic] of type of conversations, theyre looking to us married folks for answers.

And heres one that you need to know. Marriage was never designed to make you happy. And too often in the confines when youre single, youre looking for validation, wholeness, completeness and all these other things from another individual. Youre going to come up short every time.

MR. MARTIN: You see, I always ask this question when Im talking to sisters and this whole perfection question comes up. And I always ask them this very difficult question, which actually is real simple.

MR. MORTON: Okay.

MR. MARTIN: According to your perfection and your list, would your daddy make the list?

MR. AYIZE MAAT: Not only should you ask the question, Would your daddy make the list? but, Would you make your own list?

OFF-CAMERA WOMAN: Umph!

MR. MAAT: I think that right there is a pivotal point, because women today are coming to relationships very fragmented, very fractured, and theyre looking for this idea man; but the reality is that they have to work on themselves first in order to be ready to receive a mate when a mate comes their way.

MR. MARTIN: Now, therere some things that jump out at me when I when I look at some sorry dudes. And in the movie, this is a perfect example of what drives me crazy with some guys.

[BEGIN FILM CLIP.]

WOMAN: Steve says you have to set the requirements very high before you even get in the car, because you dont wanna become a chirp-chirp girl.

WOMAN: A what?

[CUT TO STEVE HARVEY.]

MR. air max . STEVE HARVEY: Chirp! Chirp! He just hits the locks, and you hop in. H dont even have to open the door.

[CUT TO DATING SCENE. A COUPLE WALKS TO A PARKED CAR. THE WOMAN STOPS AT THE PASSENGER DOOR AS THE MAN STARTS TO GET IN ON THE DRIVERS SIDE.]

MAN: Its open. [He starts the car and chuckles.] Its open!

WOMAN: I dont go out on dates with guys who dont open the door for me.

MAN: Really?

WOMAN: Really.

MAN: Seriously?

WOMAN: Yes.

MAN: Aw, man! [The car squeals as he floors it and drives off.]

WOMAN: [Speaking to herself.] No, he didnt!

[THE CAR BACKS UP INTO VIEW AND STOPS BY THE WOMAN, STILL STANDING THERE, INCREDULOUS.]

MAN: [He looks at his date and smiles. Just foolin.]

[END OF FILM CLIP.]

MR. MARTIN: Okay.

[CHUCKLING.]

MR. MARTIN: That was a funny scene.

FREE: Great scene.

MR. MARTIN: A funny scene; but, boy, Im shocked that he actually went to the door, because what kills me are cats today

OFF-CAMERA WOMAN: They just honk.

MR. MARTIN: who will honk the horn.

OFF-CAMERA MAN: Yeah.

MR. MARTIN: And Im serious. I I have nine nieces.

OFF-CAMERA WOMAN: Okay.

MR. MARTIN: I will hurt some lil, young punk

[LAUGHTER.]

MR. MARTIN: who honk a horn. Just lettin you know.

FREE: Now, do do they go out, though? Do they wanna go out with

MR. MARTIN: Naw, they

FREE: [crosstalk]?

MR. MARTIN: aint old enough yet. But trust me.

FREE: Oh [laughs].

MR. MARTIN: Trust me. When they start goin out, somebodys gettin jacked if you honk a horn.

[CROSSTALK.]

MS. THOMPSON: But thats part of the question, though right, Martin? Because Black women say that theyve been raised to be independent, to make sure that they have their own, to take care of themselves and, you know, with uncles and men like you, whore saying, Make sure that youre treated with a certain level of respect.

MR. MARTIN: Thats

MS. THOMPSON: And thats what they expect, coming to the scene, and what theyre saying in our poll is, If I dont find that, then single I will be.

MR. MARTIN: now now, heres what I find to be interesting. And I kn- and and so when you look at single households, we talk about 70 percent of our children being born out of wedlock, and theyre being raised by single women.

FREE: Right.

MR. MARTIN: So, are any of these women teaching their sons

MR. MORTON: They cant.

MR. MARTIN: how to act right?

MR. MORTON: They cant. Tha- and thats another thing. We talk about the marginalization of masculinity over the past 50 years. Youre talking about chivalry opening the door, being respectful all that. It takes modeling of behaviors of men to impart that into young men to get that. We[ve] got a generation of kids that dont have this positive, paternal influence to teach women, This is how you you know, like I have a daughter This is how youre sposed to be treated, and to teach your son, This is how youre sposed to treat a wo[man]. Thats not happening right now.

FREE: No.

MR. MORTON: Tha-

FREE: It goes by what you see and what you experience as you grow up. I actually I the guy has to be like my dad. My dad is loyal. Hes a family man. Even though him and my mom divorced when I was 11, he never went missing. Hes still here. And so I happen to have great role models as men in my life. So, Im lucky for that, but everybody doesnt have that.

MR. MAAT: And the other thing, too, is that a lot of these single mothers out here, they actually grew up in homes where the father wasnt around as well. So, there was no model for them. So, how can you expect them to actually teach their sons to behave appropriately, when they didnt have the appropriate models around

MR. MARTIN: We did

MR. MAAT: [crosstalk]?

MR. MARTIN: a couple of shows on the whole issue of manhood with Bishop T.D. Jakes in at The Potters House in Dallas. And I do believe that when you talk about relationships in terms of the struggles that were seeing, I believe it is absolutely tied to what has happened with the Black family.

MR. MORTON: Thats exactly right, with

FREE: Definitely.

MR. MORTON: the highest divorce rates, the lowest marriage rates, the highest single rates, the highest out-of-wedlock birth rate. You have a fractured community, and we again, from psycho-sociological, we have no models, and we have no imprinting. If you dont have those things, then youre out there rudderless, sail-less, trying to navigate this relationship dynamic from [a] one-gender paradigm, and its going to be a movie.

MR. MARTIN: Krissah, I I[ve] got to go to you and then Free with the last comment. Go.

MS. mbt shoes sale . THOMPSON: You know, there are some real dynamics happening in the Black community, though, when it comes to educational attainment

MR. MARTIN: Right.

MS. THOMPSON: when it comes to the strides that women are making in the workplace. Therere some demographic things that are pulling the community apart as well, and so we have to figure out how to deal with those.

FREE: Yeah. And I think some people prioritize different[ly]. Some peoples careers are their priority. Some people, relationships are their priority. And when it comes to dealing with someone whos not on your level or your equal, theres a whole nother set of issues besides what youre driving. Some people cant handle it, you know, if youre doing better than them especially a man. A mans not going to be really happy if youre bringing in all the money, and hes hes not.

MR. MARTIN: Well, I tell you what, though. First of all, I had I look, I have no I had no issue with that.

[LAUGHTER.]

MR. MARTIN: We no.

[MORE LAUGHTER, CROSSTALK.]

MR. MARTIN: Look, I di- I didnt have no problem with that

[CROSSTALK.]

MR. MARTIN: cause my cause my philosophy[s] real simple: Baby, you get a raise, we get

FREE: We get a raise.

MR. MARTIN: a raise.

[LAUGHTER.]

MR. MARTIN: I get a raise, we get a raise.

FREE: Thats right[?].

MR. MARTIN: Thats why yesterday, I celebrated 11 years of wedded

FREE: Congratulations.

MR. MARTIN: [bliss]. Robert M Pardes . I dont deal with no drama, because Im sorry it dont matter. You get paid, we get paid. And also, if you comin in with that list, Im tearin the list up. All right?

FREE: Hey.

MR. MARTIN: Panel, we certainly appreciate it. Thanks a bunch. We look forward to having you back.

FREE: Thank you, Roland.

MR. MORTON: Thank you.

MS. THOMPSON: Thank you, Roland.

MR. MAAT: [Crosstalk.]

MR. MARTIN: Folks, be sure to check out Think Like a Man. The producers my homeboy, my frat brother Will Packer. Its playing now in theaters everywhere, so [we] definitely want to get your thoughts on it.



What is your Love Capacity? | Celebrity News & Style for Black Women

black couple huggingOK! Here we go! The new #LoveCapacity Quiz is in place on LoveCapacity.com! When the website was launched for Valentine’s day we had 30,000 hits on the first day and over 60,000 hits in the first two weeks! Go to  http://www.LoveCapacity.com, take the quiz and get your #LoveCapacity Score in about 2 minutes! DO IT NOW! LOL!

We took that data, analyzed it, tweaked it and republished it! So far we have more women than men scoring 10s but we have a lot more women than men scoring 1s. Women have a greater capacity to feel love but they also have a greater capacity to feel pain. These early quiz results caused somewhat of an adjustment to the purpose of the Love Capacity Book & Quiz. (Love Capacity Book due out in August 2012.) The initial purpose of the #LoveCapacity Quiz was only to test one’s capacity to love, but now I know that I am also having to teach #LoveCapacity. Many people know how to give love. More people don’t know what love is.

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Before you even get started, I am telling you right now to stop thinking that you are going to automatically score a “10” on the #LoveCapacity Quiz! More than likely you will probably score around a “5”. You know why? Because statistics show that half of us are going to suffer through a divorce in our lifetime. The median score of “5” would reflect the successfulness rate of the current state of relationships. I still wish you luck though.

That being said, I created the quiz with the control in mind that I want women who have not been damaged from relationship disappointment to score a “10” on the quiz. I want men who have not been damaged from relationship disappointment to score at least a “7” on the quiz. Fellas, let’s be honest, the average woman knows more or is more concerned about love then the average man is. The initial interest that average woman has over the average man concerning love affords them a three point expectation increase in their #LoveCapacity Score. It became clear pretty quickly that the average woman and the average man have both suffered through some relationship disappointment. Early quiz results have shown that the “Love Capacity” of the average woman is 3. The “Love Capacity” of the average man is 4. Our relationships and marriages are in trouble!

Click here to read the list of #LoveCapacity Scores & Explanations!

Follow me on Twitter: @StevenJDixon

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Tokii, relationships, advice, love, couples, arranged marriage, Tokii …


Arranged marriages have something of a bad rap these days. Many people hear ‘arranged marriage’ and think of the old cliché of a young woman forced to marry a man old enough to be her grandfather. But cliches aren’t always, or even often truth. . She agreed to discuss her betrothal with me, and share her experiences and thoughts on arranged marriages. Laura and Matthew were never married, he died of cancer shortly before Laura’s 18th birthday. More than a decade later, she breaks down, crying, as she tells me about his death. She has happy reminiscence and stories about times they spent together, and says that she lost the best and strongest part of herself when he died. Here are some of the things she shared with me during our conversation.

How did you end up betrothed?
My family was the perfect ‘normal’ American family. My mother had been married twice, married her high school sweetheart, had four of my brothers, got divorced. Married my father who’d been married before, had two daughters and a son and another one who might be his daughter. When I was around twelve, a family had moved into our area, and my parents and them hit it off really well. I think they started hanging out with them at first because they had daughters around my little sister’s and my age . . . and mom took us over there to play with them. And me and Matthew actually ended up hitting it off . . .One day my mom, I think she was joking, just said

And I just said ‘Why not?’ And she thought about and said ‘Yeah, why not.’ and she and my dad and his parents talked about it, and we ended up doing an arranged marriage contract . . . until we were 18 were engaged, and when we turned 18 we could decide if we wanted to marry, or if we wanted to nullify the engagement and go our separate ways. The only thing really surprising was my parents being willing to go along with it, because my father was hugely prejudiced against Hispanics. Matthew’s family was of Hispanic origin. I didn’t think about it then, but thinking back, that my father actually agreed to this. I think he just thought it wouldn’t go anywhere, that it was just a cute kid thing. Either that or mom threatened him.

How did the betrothal work for you?
It worked out really well. It was never a trap, I liked it. I was never into the whole dating scene, most of my friends were guys and I felt weird dating someone I was hanging out with. And it’s kinda hard for a girl to be jealous that I’m hanging out with her boyfriend when it’s like ‘Dude, I’m engaged.’ And if she kept having an issue with it, it’s just she’s a jealous bitch. It worked out for him too, we could have friends on both sides of the fence, he could hang out with a girl without her father asking ‘are you gonna be dating our daughter.’ It made a lot of things easier even if, at the same time, it really didn’t get understood by a lot of people.

How did people react badly when you mention an arranged marriage?
It’s really surprising how people take an arrange marriage. It was different when he was alive, and people could see us and see how we acted together, and ‘aw, how cute’. You know, when we younger, and we were kids, and I’d go ‘I’m gonna marry him when I grow up.’ But after he died . . . I didn’t talk about it [because of how people reacted], we were engaged from when I was 12 til when I was 18, it was like my whole life. And it was just so sudden, it was like ‘what do I do?’ It was a sudden hole in my being, like I lost a part of myself.


Your relationship was very different from preconception of ‘arranged marriage’.
Yeah, it was . . . I’ve met some other people in arranged marriages, and the standard contract tends to be after a certain point in time, the people can go their separate ways. They usually aren’t very iron clad. In the old days arranged marriages were a way of tying family and family money together. If family A were in an arranged marriage [contract with] family B, and family B ended up getting in a lot of debts, suddenly marrying family B isn’t a good idea anymore, and it’s better to break it and marry someone else.

Arranged marriages are still common in some other parts of the world, do you know anything about them?
In some cultures you don’t meet the person until your wedding day. I did a lot of research because of my own arranged marriage. Some of my friends from Japan, even if you don’t stay married you are expected to marry . . . people think you are a little strange if you don’t get married and have a child. A lot of times they’ll have match makers [and] young women or young men [give them] their [statistics] and just put them out in front of somebody and say ‘what do you like.’ Unlike the old days they usually at least date, and then move on if they don’t get along. The way they do it is almost like applying for a job. It really is just different views. I’ve also had some friends from China who’ve attempted to ‘hook me up’ with their cousin.

If someone you knew was considering entering an arranged marriage, what would you tell them?
I’d tell them they need to know themselves. Because when you are going into an arranged marriage, unless you are given a chance to get to know the person before you hook up with them, you gotta know yourself: the good, the bad the ugly.

It’s kinda like a lot of things – that it’s not for everybody. It tends to be easier when you are doing an arrangement between children, because then you can let the kids grow up together.

To make an arranged marriage work, it’s kind of a selflessness, you’re not going in that they need to change to suite me. You have to work with somebody. It’s a very different dynamic. Sometimes it can work great sometimes not. But know your contract, read the fine print. It’s almost like signing a business contract. Know what the job entails, what your get out clause is and do you get sick days.

Do you think you and Matthew would still be together is he hadn’t died?
I can’t say what it would have been like for him. In many ways we were both kids. He passed away at 18, and in many ways you’re still kids. But we probably would have continued like we had been, growing together. We didn’t feel the need to be clingy and together all the time, it was okay to have ‘me’ time and do our own things. I think if he were still alive we would probably be together. I know myself, I’m a forever person. When I make a commitment, I don’t back out. The only thing that can make me backout is betrayal. Everything else is forgivable – I might make you pay, but it’s forgivable. When he was alive, it almost felt like I had . . . like he was the stronger parts of me. We really didn’t feel like we had . . .like we were two individuals being forced into the situation. It felt natural. I remember the first time, he decided to be a little campy and gave me an actual proposal. We were just sitting around at a party, watching people. It was a comfortable silence, watching the clouds go by. I remember looking over, and he was digging around in the grass and I was wondering what he was doing. And he took my hand, and said that ‘I know it is going to be a couple years yet, but I really would like it if you’d be my wife’ and he gave me a little ring he had made, of vines. I was sixteen when we found out he had cancer. I was actually at a point that Mom told me if we wanted to get married earlier she would give her consent. I said that the deal was 18 and I think he would prefer it if we waited. Wasn’t too long after that, my father retired, and we moved down to Oklahoma, because it was quite a bit cheaper to live there. We still, you know, had phone calls and what not. He was going down to Mexico to a cancer treatment place, [crying] I remember it was the November the year I was going to turn 18. He gave me a call & said ‘You’re the first one to know this, it’s great news, but they said my cancer went into remission. They said I probably have at least 10 years. He sent me the engagement ring, it was an heirloom piece from his mother. We were basically talking about it and were going to get serious. Ten years, you know, was better than nothing.

After we finished the interview, Laura told me several stories. About camping trips she and Matthew had gone on, arguments they had (they nearly broke once over cats and dogs – he told her that the only thing cats were good for was taco meat. ‘We were such teenagers’ she laughs). She tells me that it was over five years after he died, before she began to date again.



Why Married Men Love Their Single Friends | Dating Advice For …

I was sitting around the pool yesterday, doing a little bit of exercise to alleviate the pressure in my lower back.

A bearded guy walks into the gated pool areahes in his early to mid-30s.

All of a sudden from one corner of the pool you hear a man chirp up and say, Almost 5:00pm, hes alive!

Another guy shouts, That is the latest walk of shame Ive ever seen!

They start laughing. Man talk follows.

Then, as bearded guy walks closer, they start clapping and shouting to him.

Man of the hour!

The walk of shame!

How was she?!

Then they start clapping some more. gucci outlet . Now the whole pool starts clapping and everybody gets a good laugh out of it.

He goes and sits down. Hes congratulated.

A gentleman wont tell, he says. His friends look at him with admiration. Hes the hero. Hes actually playing a role for all. He actually loves the validation.

He felt good. He was milking the moment. He was enjoying being the center of attention. He was like the quarterback on a high school football team.

If that was a woman walking in like that, nobody would say a wordnot one person. Shed quickly go talk to her friend and share all the details with them. The whole pool wouldnt validate the fact that she got laid.

Thats a guy thing. Its okay for the man to go and bang some girlhes validated. The whole pool clapped. Everybody knew what he did last night. He was the stud.

His coworkers loved it, thats why they love having him on this corporate vacation, because they know hell create a story. The story he just created in Maui will then go back to the office, probably right away via e-mail.

Hell be validated. Hell retell that story probably 70 times when hes back at work. Each guy will congratulate him even more.

A legend was born here. locales de maquillaje . Or maybe his legend was just cemented because he already had that notoriety. But this experience will live on and through the corporate worldthe buddy-buddy system of the corporate world.

This could actually get him a raise down the road, because somebody will want to be around him and have it rub off.

Apparently, its a good career move doing the walk of shame at 5:00pm in the afternoon.

For a man.

. . kitchen cabinets . .

So how do you feel about this double standard?

How come a woman walking into the pool area isnt congratulated by other women saying Alright Betty, four orgasms last night, good job!

How do you feel about that?



Monthly Archives: April 2012

After Divorce: 8 Tips for Reinventing Yourself

After Divorce: 8 Tips for Reinventing Yourself It’s over. You’ve signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved. Everyone’s divorce story is different. Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so. … Continue reading

Robert downey jr ally and larry | Men and Women Relationship

Ally is walking home when she remember when larry and her good times together and bad time together when they were dating so she really thinking if she should be back with larry after larry did some stuff to get her mad at him like leaving her for awhile without calling her then he just … Continue reading

All the Single Men: Advice on Attending Weddings This Season …

DeAnna Lorraine talks to Justin Cascio about the emotional experience of attending a wedding, and how single men can make the most of it. It’s a beautiful spring day, and DeAnna Lorraine wants to talk about weddings. Ms. Lorraine, who also goes by “Ms. Hitch” and “THEE Dating Coach,” teaches couples how to put the … Continue reading

Things not understood by the man in the mirror! | lovers-blog

The woman wants to be ambiguous in that they succeed one hundred percent,but man it can seem obscure, but they soon discover this mystery and expose his positions.This is what touched him the Brazilian psychological analyst Rosanna Santos Silva, in her study, which confirmed that the man can not understand many things about women, can … Continue reading

Ask Relationship Experts: My boyfriend doesn’t trust me | Advice …

Mary Asked: “My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. He doesn’t trust women. He doesn’t like me talking to friends of mine that I’ve known for over 10yrs plus. He’s very jealous and says it’s because he loves me but I told him it’s not love it’s insecurity which he agrees with. … Continue reading

The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage : disciplesgurnee.org

Leave a Comment By Meg JayAT 32, one of my clients (I’ll call her Jennifer) had a lavish wine-country  wedding. By then, Jennifer and her boyfriend had lived together for more than  four years. The event was attended by the couple’s friends, families and two  dogs. When Jennifer started therapy with me less than a … Continue reading

Washington Watch: What Do People Really Want When It Comes To …

MR. MARTIN: Welcome back. The movie Think Like a Man, Steve Harveys movie based on his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, has single men and women buzzing, even married folks. Of course, Kevin Hart stars in the film with a cast of some of the top folks. So, the real question … Continue reading

What is your Love Capacity? | Celebrity News & Style for Black Women

OK! Here we go! The new #LoveCapacity Quiz is in place on LoveCapacity.com! When the website was launched for Valentine’s day we had 30,000 hits on the first day and over 60,000 hits in the first two weeks! Go to  http://www.LoveCapacity.com, take the quiz and get your #LoveCapacity Score in about 2 minutes! DO IT NOW! LOL! We took … Continue reading

Tokii, relationships, advice, love, couples, arranged marriage, Tokii …

Arranged marriages have something of a bad rap these days. Many people hear ‘arranged marriage’ and think of the old cliché of a young woman forced to marry a man old enough to be her grandfather. But cliches aren’t always, or even often truth. . She agreed to discuss her betrothal with me, and … Continue reading

Why Married Men Love Their Single Friends | Dating Advice For …

I was sitting around the pool yesterday, doing a little bit of exercise to alleviate the pressure in my lower back. A bearded guy walks into the gated pool areahes in his early to mid-30s. All of a sudden from one corner of the pool you hear a man chirp up and say, Almost 5:00pm, … Continue reading